Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
