I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
