If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Randomize
