You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
