Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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