I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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