pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
