Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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