I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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