Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Randomize
