I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
