Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Sorry about my life...
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
