I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
