Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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