Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
