God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
