Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
