Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize