If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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