i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
