i think my tv is drunk
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
