but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
