Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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