I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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