This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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