my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
