I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
