wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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