You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Everyone says I win the strip club
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
