Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
