I am spending my child support on dildos
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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