Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Randomize
