I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
