I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
