I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
