i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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