Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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