i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
