Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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