I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
