Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
false alarm, still single
Randomize
