I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I currently don't understand fingers.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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