The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
