took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
That's when you crack a 10am beer
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
