Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
