forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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