Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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