this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize