I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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