My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
