I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
