and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I will pee on everything he values.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
