she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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