My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
