This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
