I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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