I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
