if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
